Hancock Building with a Tall Ship in the way.

The ever-lovely Karen bought passes to see the Tall Ships at Navy Pier for my birthday, so we headed out Friday with our friend Rebecca to climb aboard a few of these lovelies. I got some great photos and enjoyed my first day out of the house since being god-awful sick.

On deck.

The ships were definitely tall. I enjoyed the rigging and masts and the nautical clutter…it was a visual treat. Having said that, there was an hour’s wait in the hot, direct August sunshine to get on board the HMS Bounty as presented by Pepsi. Uh, no.

I have a new, ironclad rule people. If I have to stand in line for an hour, it’s probably not an authentic experience and I want nothing to do with it. Coda: if there’s a “photo opportunity” at the head of the line that will allow me purchase said photo at the end, then doubly so. If the experience is sponsored by somebody? Feh, it’s not an experience. It’s a thinly-disguised commercial that will choke any happy memories as surely as kudzu is eating the South.

Not a pirate in sight.

Also, I fucking hate Navy Pier. I knew it before but now it’s burned away any spec of regard I may have ever had. The event coordinators made us walk all the way to the end via the cheesy, crappy side in order to walk through a “vendor fair”, past “children’s entertainment” while listening to sea shanties before the hour line even started. All the while, tourists kept cutting me off to slow down in front of me, and I couldn’t yell at them because of my asthma. We also had some of the most disgusting, over-priced food at the Beer Garden where they weren’t honoring the coupons that came with the Tall Ships tickets because of a misprint. Bastards. They also don’t sell Diet Coke at Navy Pier. Double bastards.

This has been my third, unfortunate trip to this god-forsaken excuse for a Chicago landmark this year and I’m never, ever setting foot on it again. There are absolutely no circumstances that can compel me. Not even to save puppies from unending torment would I step foot onto the Pier. Seriously, it is dead to me.

Cleared decks.

If you have some of those Groupons, I’d recommend giving them away to your gullible neighbors. However, if you actually decide to go, take an umbrella, plenty of sunscreen, loads of child-repellent, water and get there at 9am. It will cut down on your grief considerably.

Thanks again, K. I do prefer experiences for birthday prezzies and you’re awesome! We just weren’t powerful enough to overcome the power of the tourist trap.